Kari (utkari02) wrote,

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I apologize in advance for this post.

I don't really know how this post came about, but I started thinking about this while I was in the shower. It's going to end up bouncing all over the place with not a common theme in site, and yet I still feel compelled to write it. Now, where to start...ah, yes:

Is there such a thing as being truly, completely happy?

In my opinion, the answer is no. Maybe that just because I've never met someone who is truly, completely happy. There is always something. Everyone always has something they would change in their life. For me, the list is long, but I won't go into it here, because it'll only depress me. Suffice it to say, that if you really know me, you can imagine at least a few things that I would change.

I got to wondering, would my life be any better if I was born 100 years ago? My truthful answer, is I don't know. Would I be morbidly obese? Probably not. Would I still be overweight? Probably so. Would I have real friends? Maybe. Would I know any of you? Probably not. That's a sad thought for me. I definitely wouldn't know all of you, that's for sure. Why you ask, simply because almost all of you I met through Harry Potter. And, if it wasn't for Harry Potter, I would never have needed this outlet I found online, so I wouldn't know any of you.

Then I think okay, I was born in this time, so how could my life have turned out different? Well my life would probably be very different if my Father hadn't been killed when I was a month old. Who knows how that could have changed my life. There are a lot of times that I've sworn that I hated my Step-father. Sometimes I'm ashamed of it, but other times I embrace it. But, you know, my Father did die when I was a month old, and there's nothing I can do to change it.

Another way my life could have been different: I have a half brother. Did any of you know that? No, just like none of you knew about my Father being dead and all. My Father had an affair with another women while my Mom was pregnant, and a half-brother resulted in that affair. All I know about him is that his name is Richard and he's somewhere between 4 and 8 months younger than me. I'm just guesstimating about the second part, but it seems logical. I've never met him. For all I know he could be dead by now. I don't even know if he knows about me. I sometimes think I should try and find him, but I'm afraid he won't like me.

In that same vein, my life could be drastically different if my Mother hadn't had the two abortions that I only learned about in the last couple of years. Or, if she hadn't lost the other some odd babies through miscarriages. I could be a sister multiple times over, but I'm not. I've always wanted someone there, but it never happened for me.

I could be a different person if my parents had gotten divorced when I was eleven, like they almost did. I'd like to think that my parents were happy at one point in their marriage, but I know they're not happy now. Dad yells. Mom drinks. Dad goes to Vegas. Mom drinks and smokes. I'd say it's a cycle, but it's more of a constant. I thought they were going to get divorced last year, and you know what my first thought was? How is this going to affect me? How selfish am I?

There's a lot more I could say; there's a lot more I want to say, but my Dad's in Vegas and my Mom is out drinking, and I have to go be with her so she doesn't do something stupid like drive home when she shouldn't.

I'm sorry if this depressed you.

No, I'm not sorry. All I did was let you into my life and my mind a little bit more.

Tags: me
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